BRAT vs Demure

Should we be BRAT or Demure? That’s the question.

I was rewatching Gilmore Girls (mostly as background noise as I complete other tasks) and a scene popped up with the use of the word ‘demure’. Imagine:

In the episode: “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”, Rory and Logan walk into the Gilmore house.[1] Richard asks what they would like to drink. Logan opts for ‘Macallan neat’ to which Emily gushes and ‘adore(s) a man who drinks his scotch neat’. Rory opts for ‘just club soda’ to which Emily describes her as ‘so demure’ and the two agree upon Rory’s ‘demureness’.

And that was my introduction to ‘demure’. However, suddenly, flash forward to 2024, the word ‘demure’ has become an internet trend with it going viral after the use of the phrase ‘very demure, very mindful’. Whilst this trend has been forwarded from predominantly trans women who are reminding anyone stumbling across their content to move with grace and act ‘demurely’, this trend continues to emerge and be used out of context, it is important to have a look at what ‘demure’ means.

‘Demure’ officially has been defined as describing ‘(especially of women) quiet and well behaved’ by the Cambridge dictionary.[2] According to the etymology of the word, its last use of the word is recorded around the mid-1600s which begs to question why it has reemerged now.[3]

As a female, I can only see this as something more than being a light-hearted trend. Because in an age where there are so many challenges like gender-based violence being a massive issue nationally as well as internationally, I think a trend that uses the adjective only goes to further produce another label that women once again must perform to which aligns to the idea of women needing to be submissive and ‘mindful’ of the space they take. Especially as it is defined as women being quiet and well behaved which seems to suggest that women that aren’t ‘demure’ are to be blamed for the actions perpetrated.

With over 50 women being murdered this year in the UK so far, it is hardly an issue that can be brushed past especially as the rhetoric always go back to ‘blaming the women’ rather than addressing the issue of the causes for the violence perpetrated by men.[4] To add salt to the injury, the continual disrespect continues in the way that it is addressed in the media in the way that they discuss these issues. With the example of the triple murder of Carol Hunt, and her two daughters, Lousie and Hannah, the articles either highlighted the murderer as the ex-boyfriend of one of the victims or the husband/father John Hunt to draw relations to the victims as to emphasise the severity of the incident.[5] The first, expressing that the murderer was an ex-partner only went to suggest that it was the women’s fault for the murder because she was ‘involved’ with the man previously hence her fault or that it was something that was coming for her, instead of a male crossing a boundary due to the insufferable belief that we, as a society, have instilled that men have an ultimate say. Or the fact that the names of the women were published last to somewhat dehumanise them and relate them to a man as if they don’t have their own identity.

With one of the videos created by Jools being about ‘being mindful at your place of employment’ or how to line up to board a plane being described as ‘I don’t rush. I take my spot. I don’t intrude.’[6] It only goes to suggest that there is a way that women need to perform to be accepted in these environments or be ‘out of the way’ to make sure that they don’t ‘intrude’ or take space in these settings.

So, when Emily describes Rory’s choice of drink and her as ‘demure’ whilst admiring the ‘sophistication’ of Logan’s choice of drink, it only goes to suggest that women are needed to be simplistic, without the need of being problematic or causing any difficulty to the host and men can continue to be admired for having a specific taste and preference.

To contradict these ideas, we have this year’s most popularised term ‘BRAT’ to completely polarise the whole discussion with its definition typically been to describe ‘a child, especially one who behaves badly’.[7] However, as the album title, Charli XCX coins the term to be about ‘accepting your imperfections while embracing the chaos’ as she described the album as ‘me, my flaws, my F--- ups, my ego all rolled into me’.[8] With popularity of this idea, it seems to be giving the green light to the idea of women embracing themselves without worrying about the judgement from the world around them.

Conflicting right? How can we have two trends which completely contradict each other?

And what a better way to describe what being a woman is like? With two trends being an example of the different expectations that are expected from women in our society. We are told that we have all the freedoms to be who we want, express ourselves. We should be grateful for the advances we have made in society. We have rights that weren’t available centuries ago. We should be grateful! Even then, there are multiple different expectations and different boxes to tick in order to be the 'woman' that is accepted in our society.

As trends go, we see different versions of what womanhood is meant to be, what rules we must adhere to, what labels we must perform and this summer its no different. We have two labels to comply to this summer and I am sure that this will not be the end of new trends emerging to continue to reinvent what women are meant to adhere to.

(Part one of two)